Engineers

There are four engineers travelling in a car: a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer.
The car breaks down.
- "Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again," says the mechanical engineer.
- "Well," says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should purge the fuel system."
- "I thought it might be a timing problem," says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."
They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and ask, "Well, what do you think?"
- "Ummm - I think we should get out of the car and then get back in again."

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.
The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens.
-- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention -- so he's let go.
The lawyer is put on the block and again the rope doesn't release the blade.
-- he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime -- so he is set free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says,
- "Hey, wait a minute, I think I see your problem..."

Science

Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that lager contains small traces of female hormones (which is true by the way). To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of lager and observed that 100% of them started talking bollocks and couldn't drive.

The rules of bedroom golf.

1.  
   1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
   2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. Unlike outdoor golf the object is to get the club into the hole and keep the balls out.
   3. For most effective play the club should have a firm shaft.
   4. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
   5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
   6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do this may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
   7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
   8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
   9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along,just in case.
   10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course.
   11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarassed to find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
   12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
   13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
   14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
   15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
   16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessment may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

Woman's Fantasy

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says,"Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

Man's Fantasy

A man walks into a building and gets into the lift. He presses the button for the fifth floor. At the fifth floor the most stunning woman he has ever seen gets into the lift and leans seductively against the wall. The man doesn't know where to look and starts to get very nervous. The woman begins to unbutton her blouse and throws it on the floor. She then takes off her bra and throws it on the floor. At this stage the guy is getting very nervous.
Then she says "Make a woman out of me".
He unbuttons his shirt, throws it on the floor and replies:
- "Iron that!"

Headache

Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem:
- "The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said,
- "Let's see. . .size 44 long."
- "That's right, how did you know?"
- "It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
- "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said,
- "Sure . . ."
The salesman eyed Joe and said,
- "Let's see. . .34 sleeve and . . . 16 and a half neck"
The shirt fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked,
- "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said,
- "Sure . . "
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,
- "Let's see. .. size 36."
Joe laughed,
- "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head,
- "You can't wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Religion

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice at the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1.      Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2.      There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3.      There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4.      Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5.      Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6.      We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7.      The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

8.      David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9.      When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10.  We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11.  When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12.  The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13.  The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub,thanks for the grub, yeah God!"

14.  Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.